Not Much…
If I could have one wish, I think I would choose to be able to articulate my feelings. My last summer off has come to a screeching halt and soon I will be asked by my classmates what I did. They’ll tell me how they followed doctors, viewed surgeries, learned how to suture, etc…All things that I will do in time. But, then the conversation will turn to me and I will unthinkingly answer, “Not much…” They will smile and turn away, telling each other horror stories they recently saw in the ER.
That is when I wish I had this power to explain the importance I hold for long, lonely nights left alone to explore my thoughts. It is refreshing in a sense to go over your life choices and decide if you are happy or not.
“What if I had taken that job in New York?” “What if I didn’t leave her?”
Occasionally refreshing I should say…mostly maddening. Luckily, long nights are long. The time allows the fear of wrong life choices to die off.
Some nights I walk around my block thinking about my life (and sometimes raiding people’s trash for thrown out coffee tables). I’ve always wanted to write a book and even with two months completely free I was unable to finish it. Maybe I just need three free months…
Other nights I sit in front of a computer, desperately trying to find the right words in my very limited vocabulary to explain the feelings that are so tangibly felt within my chest. I’ll have to dumb it down for myself.
I didn’t do anything this summer. I listened to music in a dark room until I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Then I slept. Maybe it’s just me, or maybe it’s a primal desire or something, but I needed that blank, unscheduled, unanything time. Time so quiet that my thoughts were even in whispers, in a room so dark that you became part of it.
I’m not sorry for being lazy this summer. I’m just sorry it’s ending so soon.
